Sunday, July 14, 2013

What I’m Beginning to Learn about Marriage after 31 Years

Barely babies when we wed, my bride and I were possibly the two most naïve human beings who ever “jumped the broom!” 

At the Lincoln County Court House we began our lives together as husband and wife.  We stood before a magistrate, looked deeply into one another’s eyes and pronounced our life long fidelity; for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health.  Looking back, I don’t think either of us had the slightest notion just how true those words would be… all of those words.

For us, marriage has been an exercise in extremes.  I think we have known almost all of the ecstasy and agony that marriage can deliver.  From honey moon rapture to the birth of grandchildren, we have thrilled to the most exhilarating moments two people can experience together.  From horrific, white hot anger shouting matches, to standing horrified beside a grandchild’s grave, we have lived through the most painful events two people can share.

Recently Cindy and I celebrated our 31st anniversary and, typically, I’m reflecting on what I’ve learned (actually what I’m still trying to learn) in over three decades of marriage.  I thought I might share a few of those thoughts with you.

1.  Marriage is complicated, frustrating, at times infuriating and hopelessly beyond ever figuring out or “getting right.”

Cindy and I used to go to marriage seminars designed to teach us how to “get marriage right.”  Normally the leaders of said seminars claimed to be able to accomplish this feat in just one weekend, during which they would teach us the “seven simple steps to a serene marriage,” or some such nonsense.  Mostly what I learned at those seminars is that the people who lead them are either disillusioned or deceitful.  There’s really no room for a third option. 

First of all, including the weekends we spent at those seminars, Cindy and I have invested somewhere around 1,612 weekends, plus all the days in between, trying to learn how to have a “serene” marriage.  We’re not quite there yet!  At various times, various “S” words have been used to describe our marriage, but I don’t think “serene” has ever been one of them (except maybe when we were both taking naps).

Secondly, there are way more than seven steps.  To my amazement, and chagrin, I have decided that there must be several million steps.  To make things even more complicated, the steps are constantly changing.  I’m being completely serious now!  The steps that worked yesterday somehow don’t work today.  Overnight they completely lost their effectiveness.  It’s truly fascinating!

2.  Marriage is, out of all God’s beautiful, miraculous, breath taking and wonderful creations, possibly the most beautiful, miraculous, breath taking and wonderful.

I find the passage in Genesis fascinating; the one that says that God brought the man and woman together and they became one flesh… and they were naked without shame. (Genesis 2:22-25)  I like all of that description, including the naked part.  There is simply nothing more impressive about God’s creative endeavor than that. 

Over the years I’ve realized that being naked is about more than “getting naked” (not that the “getting naked” part is not really good too).  I’ve learned that being naked and unashamed is also about knowing another human being so intimately that there is simply nothing left to hide. 

I think Cindy is the only person on the face of the earth that pretty much knows my every flaw, fear and fantasy.  She is the only human from whom I’m not hiding at least part of myself.  With her I can be exposed without terror, without fear of rejection or disgust.  (Sometimes there’s a little bit of disgust when I clip my toenails and leave them on the night stand.)

In short, God was bringing his “A” game the day he dreamed up marriage! 

3.  Marriage is constantly changing, forever evolving and endlessly reborn, because both partners are changing, evolving and being reborn.

Here’s the understatement of a lifetime.  I’m not the same person I was when I verbalized marriage vows.  The 19 year old (that’s right) who stood beside my young bride that June afternoon in 1982 no longer exists.  I’m not him.  He’s not me.  In fact, in most ways, we are totally opposite from one another.

Similarly, Cindy is not the same person she was when we became husband and wife.  She is even more beautiful now than she was then, and not only physically.  In the most fundamental ways that make us who we are, she is a different person.   

Here’s the amazing – I would say miraculous – thing.  Those two people who fell in love and got married, who then changed and became two totally different people, are somehow still “compatible.”  And we didn’t even have eharmony!

Sometimes people think about giving up on marriage, some for really good reasons.  But I think sometimes people project onto marriage some kind of Hollywood image that’s simply not accurate.  Marriage is almost never what you expected it to be.  It’s almost always  more… and less than you expected.

Here’s what I would argue.  Marriage is just too big of a deal, too hard, too valuable, too impossible to entrust into the hands of the two people that are in it together.  I would argue that it takes a third person… God! 

That’s one thing I’m pretty sure I’ve learned in 31 years of marriage.